I know there’s a “format” that is kind of expected but the only thing that can be expected from here on out is Kate Upton’s bountiful bosom at the bottom of the post, heaving up and down as she whispers breathily….let me stay on task here!!!
Let’s try to do things a little different this week….by throwing a bit of a curveball
Call Kershaw Cool Breeze! Watch fot that Hook!!!
We all know who won or lost their respective games by how much…so let’s go in a different direction a bit…with a little real-world comparison and a little bit of prognostication going forward…
I don’t know about you but there are times when I feel like my fantasy team sometimes mirrors the trajectory of a real life team. One could assume I’m merely superstitious, watching WAY too much football, grasping @ straws or letting my imagination get the best of me…
I dunno about all that but I think there is a correlation…
What I also find weird is that we might have a player from the real NFL team that our fake fantasy team resembles!
Don’t believe me?
How about this…Let me put on my Miss Cleo headwrap on
wha gwan bredren? lemme see what tings a-gwan!!!
and look into my crystal ball
Twinkie the Kid: Eli Manning/Brandon Myers
I see Dunkin Donuts ads….I see Alex Rodriguez wiping his tears with 100 dollar bills, while he continues to inject dope into his body at an alarming rate….I see a washed up shortstop who needs to retire with a 2 on his back…I see LaLa Anthony in something skimpy ….yesssssss….then I see her show on VH1….ugggggggggggggghhhh….I see a shrugging QB who got lucky in 2 Super Bowls….It’s ironic that a team like yours has Eli Manning on the roster (for the time being) because your team is just like the New York Giants. Definitely got some talent on the roster, in name and in production, but you keep getting bitten by the turnover bug and some questionable play calls. You’ve also taken 4 teams’ best shots!..Luckily for you, our league is similar to the NFC East…No one’s run away with the league and even though you’ve got a chance slimmer than the width of a Post It note, you still have a chance..
Man With the Moat: Pierre Garcon
I see Adidas ads…Subway ads about eating fresh….I see a redfaced head coach who promotes nepotism…..I see an owner who thinks a racist team name is cool because it’s been around for 80 years when things were TOTALLY DIFFERENT, YOU YUTZ!!!…..I see Clinton Portis in a wig and stupid glasses……Your team feels like a Washington Redskins squad….minus all the racial issues over team name and all…Also chock full of talent and running Pierre Garcon on a variety of patterns…You also have a record not indicative of the talent level of your team but there’s always a chance you could turn it around and turn it around in short order…and that’s all you really want, isn’t it?
LXG: C.J. Spiller
I see a chunky man shrieking @ the top of his lungs….talking about circling some damn wagons….I see good running backs leaving this place year after year….I see wings…lots and lots of wings….I see Brad Smith earning a paycheck and not really playing…..You’re looking the Buffalo Bills right now…and that’s not only due to ownership of CJ Spiller….Issues @ the QB situation could be costly for your team’s overall chance of success…There’s some speed in the backfield and some talent down the seams but the talent on the outside? Not so sure it can beat pressure from your opponent’s secondary…
On 3 Ready Break: Arian Foster
I’m seeing taken benefits because a certain somebody was hungry so he decides to call his coach for some food or he’d be “up to something”…..I see Dwight Howard already looking to leave this city before his contract ends….I see a ghastly baseball team with a greatly named DH on the team capable of hitting 40HR’s with more playing time…..I also see David Carr, franchise QB…LMFAO……..Definitely getting a Houston Texan vibe from this team….a little bit of underachieving….a couple things go your way and you could be 5-0/4-1 but there have been a few bumps in the road for you. No pick-sixes to sink your team like Matt Schaub has done to the real-life HOU squad but these close losses have to sting a little bit…but you’ve got a shot @ getting back in it once every 7 days
18-1: James Jones
I see Antonio Freeman by the side of the road selling cheddar wheels for rent money….Javon Walker @ a homeless shelter…Donald Driver with a syringe and some PEDs….Mark Chmura with a portable hard drive full of that pornography..I see a QB wearing Wrangler Jeans who should retire but didn’t because he’s a sucker who thinks he runs the entire town and now he’s out of town and a new sheriff is in town, tossing the pigskin around better than he EVER did…..A Green Bay Packers vibe…your team is definitely a high scoring unit poised to strike and lay waste to the rest of the league in the matchups go your way. If anyone looks @ your record and thinks lightly of your team, I feel sorry for them…I think there’s only one direction for your team and that’s up…
Absolute Chaos: Jordan Cameron/Willis McGahee
I see Drew Carey….Terry Francona….Albert Belle….Kenny Lofton….Jim Thome….Derek Anderson and Banana Hands Braylon Edwards during his best season ever as a pro…Webster Slaughter….I see a balding young man of great stature and ability leaving this city for Miami…I see another balding man, coming in to stunt a team’s growth offensively with his defense only style of coaching….Don’t leave, Kyrie…..Earnest Byner, is that you in the spiritual plane?….Cleveland Browns…No one thought you were tanking the season with 2 early losses but with 3 wins in a row, you’ve turned your season around and the league has taken notice, especially with you averaging WELL over 200 points the past 3 weeks! You are definitely rolling…
Give Me Some Room: Reggie Bush/Joique Bell
I see Kim Kardashian…Ray J….some Burberry patterns….wait…no….let me look again…I see a Triple Crown Winner and an MVP….I see a bum ass Pistons team….I see Joe Dumars, draped in hookers, laughing @ his photos of his team’s owner in a compromising position, the only thing that’s allowing him to still be a GM of a basketball team……I see Matt Leinart washing this guy’s car for spare change…..No I see a hurdled member of the Bears….Speed on Speed on Speed….Misused in Miami, let go too soon in New Orleans……Detroit Lions, easy….I hit a little bit of a rough patch and lost two in a row in atrocious fashion but I’m out here tryna come up youse guise….Can’t get left behind in all the commotion like a kid in a department store…Got to find my way up the ladder somehow, someway
Mash Out Posse: Marshawn Lynch
I see Skittles…a beastly human being that tramples cornerbacks and wimpy arm tackles….the number 24…..I see the future of quarterbacking…I see an overpaid WR working the slot…I see Curt Warner…and I see Shaun Alexander….I see a horrible, horrible face…I see a smug head coach with salt colored hair and a salty disposition, who isn’t afraid to run up the score on you but then when it happens to him, he cries in the media…….Definitely a Seattle Seahawk feel as here…Definitely getting wins (including a spanking of your esteemed blog author) but somehow under the radar a bit…Also some big names not performing @ the level they did last year, which keeps the scores down a bit but the wins are still coming….
The Other Guys: Brandon Marshall
Hmmm……I’m seeing George Wendt on SNL with sunglasses, drinking beer..I see Bill Wennington, Will Perdue and Luc Longley, swimming in women with their own condominiums…..I see Jim McMahon, with a headband and sunglasses…I see a PG coming back from a knee injury that normally takes a person one year and he took damn near two just to coincide with a promotional campaign from his shoe company and he still won’t be MVP in the league as long as LeBron is in it……I see a tall freakish WR with great ability after the catch and 2TDs versus a suspect NY Giant secondary….I also know you’re a Browns fan but you’ve got more in common with the Chicago Bears…Gunslinging QB, B-Marsh on the outside as your top target and good talent all over the roster…will the lack of depth in the pass game end up being costly down the road? Will you be the real deal or will you be counterfeit?
G.O.M.A.B.: Stephen Gostkowski
Definitely seeing a hoodie, a headset, a scowling face….and a spy camera with Eric Mangini disposing of evidence and ending up on ESPN because he snitched on the Kraft gang…I’m seeing a tatted up young Hispanic male throwing away an opportunity….I see an injury report with the entire team marked as “questionable”….I see a Brazilian woman married to the epitome of hotness wearing Ugg Boots and Under Armour everywhere else…I also see jealousy from every other human being on earth for this man…I also see a castle with a moat…I see Randy Moss being traded because he wanted some money and the Kraft family being too damn cheap to pay him what he deserved……Yep, that’s a New England type of vibe…Clairvoyant like a mother! Not that impressive if you balance the record with the talent on the field. Dealing with injury & underperforming for some real important pieces Least impressive of the 4-1’s and the formerly unbeaten squad faces some tough tests down the road….Can they get it together and pull themselves up by the bootstraps or will he be getting his Felix Baumgartner on going forward?
All that time spent in the spiritual realm, all for free?
You should thank me for this…Not everybody is able to get this type of service for FREE, dog….
A quick look @ Week 6
There is the small chance that we could have FIVE teams all @ 4-2, creating a big ole traffic jam @ the top of the standings…All the 4-1 teams have their hands full with some dangerous opponents, both high scoring and looking at some CHOICE (no Tashard) matchups…Me? I need this dub versus LXG so i can keep pace and Twinkie is trying to avoid getting another axe from the Hostess Corporation….so he can stay on the shelves, if you catch my drift…
And with that, we reach the end of another blog post, full of wit, mirth and humorous tidbits. Let’s keep the competition fierce, the waiver wire pickups plentiful and the trade offers fair and equal, unless someone out there offers you a beaut that you just can’t pass up!
Until next week, folks!
Holla @ em, Kate!
it’s a wrap!