Katie Nolan strikes again
Week 1 is in the books and a few things have gone down since my last commentary. Let me load up a clip and shoot these bullets!
- Josh Gordon is now selling cars in Ohio….Sarchione Auto group in Randolph, Ohio…Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I’m happy he’s doing something productive with his days as well as doing some community service work for the dealership, which definitely earns him some “brownie points” with whoever needs them…but I also feel this Auto Group is profiting from the spectacle as best they can, which mkaes me a little sad.
- Michael Sam made the Cowboys practice squad…Congrats to him on getting onto a team, period. I had my doubts he’d get added but Dallas definitely needs what he provides and I’m certain that he’ll be on the field @ some point this season due to the wear and tear of the season…
I’m glad he was able to get there on his own two…his own merits…wait…are you telling me NFL officials intervened? That they didn’t let this happen naturally and gently prodded this process along from the comfort of their air conditioned offices and desks and power strips?
This season continues to be a PR nightmare for the NFL.
- I heard a wild rumor that Carolina’s insistence on keeping Cam Newton’s supporting cast as underwhelming as possible is a ploy to keep his costs down when free agency rolls around (since stats play such a large role in how much one gets paid) …I think that’s a bit of a stretch (and most likely speculation) but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. I think Carolina’s sins of overpaying DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart (in regard to their salary cap) and shelling out top dollar to keep their defense relevant led to the loss of top flight talent for Cam Newton to throw to. But if the Panthers low ball Cam in the coming months when negotiations take place, the rumor turned out to be truth…
- Trent Richardson – the rise and supreme fall….I’m not saying he was ever supreme talent to begin with. But can someone explain to me how the Trent Richardson from Alabama is currently the Trent Richardson on the Colts? Is it that he performs better with elite blocking talent in front of him? Did he really love Cleveland that much that he’s been depressed ever since getting traded? Is it mental? I’d really like to know because of reasons….
- Champ Bailey is out of work. I do not expect that to be the case for too much longer.
- Former Steelers CB DeShea Townsend really needs to work on background checks for the people he rents his properties to…I can’t even recap the tomfoolery well enough to cover all the angles. Linkage here and here .
- Considering the way the San Francisco 49ers came out and played on Sunday afternoon, I’d like to believe those reports of Harbaugh losing the locker room were a bit overblown.
- Antonio Brown’s flying kick to Spencer Lanning, the Cleveland Browns punter’s head was wild.. As funny as it was upon first viewing (and all subsequent viewings TBH), I’m still expecting Antonio to get a decent sized fine and a possible suspension. Keyword: POSSIBLE. That can’t fly in the NFL because that would set one hell of a bad precedent, especially with the league trying to show how safe football is to the younger generations. Spencer Lanning should be grateful punters get helmets.
- Watching Tony Romo vs SF and Eli Manning vs. DET was like watching The Hangover II on DVD on repeat. Very unpleasant and the same old story in new surroundings.
- So you’re telling me that Jerry Jones is being sued and possibly extorted by a possible escort/confirmed former exotic dancer for a wild night back in 2009 that involved fellatio, plenty of inappropriate sexual touching on Jerry’s part, and some interesting photographs?
HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (this can only get worse before it gets better…)
- Andrew Luck may have the swag of Amish barnbuilder but the man can play some football.
- Josh Gordon and Wes Welker might be back on the field if they overhaul the drug program but what new problems may arise now that they’re checking for HGH? A lot of other dudes might definitely be getting the boot….Peyton, I know you got some HGH residue in your spinal column RIGHT NOW!!!! That’s why you broke that record last season…Explains SO MUCH!!!
- Another interesting thing that may only interest me is….why are people so quick to overhaul the drug policy now that Wes Welker got popped for MDMA? When Josh Gordon got busted, it was more like “Aw, let the kid rot!!”…once Wes Welker caught that L, now we’re in meetings and writing notes on legal pads and voting on ish?
- Ray Rice gets his own post. A quick bullet doesn’t even begin to talk about that situation..
And I’m all through for Week 1. See you in roughly seven days!
We’ve had a busy offseason (so I’ll try to keep the examples to a minimum….)
- Ray Rice, the Baltimore Raven RB who put his paws on his then-fiancee, now wife in such a fashion that she was unconscious…and was also captured on hotel security cameras dragging her body out of an elevator without any initiative to get help or find someone for medical reasons….SUSPENDED FOR TWO GAMES.
- Matt Prater, the Denver placekicker with the massive leg who was allegedly drinking beers at home whilst on vacation although he was in the NFL substance abuse program…SUSPENDED FOR FOUR GAMES (although the league wanted to originally ban him for ONE YEAR.)
- LaVon Brazill, a sixth round draft pick of the Indianapolis Colts out of Ohio University with 4.48 wheels and a knack for getting deep but was merely fourth on the depth chart and not a household name…SUSPENDED FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR for violating the NFL Policy & Program for Substances of Abuse. (and then waived by the team)
- Josh Gordon, the #1 receiver for the Cleveland Browns who failed a drug test while in the NFL substance abuse policy by .01 of a nanogram after passing SEVENTY drug tests the previous TWO YEARS, SUSPENDED FOR ONE YEAR (after the NFL dragged its feet on handing down said suspension)
- Aldon Smith, the top edge rusher for the San Francisco 49ers who had a DUI, a prior DUI in Florida, a gun case and an incident @ LAX where he yelled out that he had a bomb…SUSPENDED FOR NINE GAMES.
and last but not certainly least…
- Jim Irsay, the owner of the Indianapolis Colts who faces four felony counts of possessing a controlled substance and a DWI charge while driving around with $29, 029 in a briefcase & laundry bag and prescription pill bottles containing pills….BANNED SIX GAMES AND FINED 500K.
I’m really not sure how Roger Goodell & friends work out these suspensions but methinks they’ve got some work to do.
To be honest, a lot of these suspensions and year long bans could be cut out entirely, if the league itself cared more about its employees on a personal level.
Aldon Smith and Josh Gordon need therapy or trips to outpatient medical facilities where they can receive treatment for whatever ails them. Does a suspension from the one thing they know how to do best really serve them best?
Does Matt Prater go home and sip on a cool glass of OJ now that he’s been suspended for four games or is he more likely to pick up a 6 pack of his favorite micro brew and sit on his back porch and enjoy himself?
Ray Rice could definitely use some counseling in helping him deal with whatever issues he has with his wife
And I don’t even know where to start with Jim Irsay….he may need the most help out of the six I mentioned.
Thems the rules that the owners put in place so we’ve got to work with what’s on the books.
The heavy hand of NFL justice loves to come down hard on the lesser names and the replaceable parts but if you’ve got some clout in the NFL or are higher up the “food chain” (as in Irsay’s case), that heavy hand becomes a pillowcase full of feathers. You can’t sully the name of the NFL, unless you’ve made the league some considerable amounts of queso.
And that’s ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
I know it’s hard to expect a billion dollar enterprise to praise or punish people fairly across the board, especially with that detachment from its fan base on a micro level. The owners and Goodell aren’t in the nosebleeds with the working class. They’re in private boxes every Sunday in suits, chowing down on catered grub, in perfect temps and comfortable.
Just so we’re clear on my thoughts on who got what suspension and for how long…
Ray Rice definitely needed more than 2 games. A friggin’ travesty, a mockery, a sham and a shammockery.
Matt Prater, to me, didn’t need to be suspended if the allegations are true. Coming hard after him for beers @ home is preposterous.
LaVon Brazill and Josh Gordon both didn’t deserve a year long ban for a drug that’s now legal in 2 American states. Brazill ‘s deemed expendable because he’s replaceable from a talent standpoint. He’s a short guy who runs very fast but isn’t the best short, fast guy on his own team.
Gordon will be held onto by Cleveland because he possesses what owners love, irreplaceable talent. And Jimmy Haslam can’t let that talent get into the hands of other owners who would stand to profit from said talent.
Aldon Smith needs some time off to deal with whatever demons have infiltrated his life…so another leave of absence may do him some good but because he brought shame to the shield AND earns a ton of green, he’s got to pay for his transgressions.
Irsay, to me, needs to have control of the team handed over to someone who can run things in his stead, while he really cleans himself up. Reliance on prescription drugs as a player is dicey as it is. AN OWNER relying on the heavy stuff that comes from pharmaceutical companies? I couldn’t begin to understand how that would work…like at all…
As fans, we can’t put any stock in the NFL disciplining its own fairly because they don’t have the capability of doing so. There’s too much money in the way.
And keeping all of these people around jams up the pipeline from the NCAA’s to the pros. It’s easier to get some of these so-called knuckleheads out of the league with haste by sending their value spiraling into the sewage system rather than propping them up, supporting them in times of need and offering them whatever’s necessary for them to recover.
- Wes Welker suspended for 4 games for violating the league’s policy on performance enhancing substances? Tripping off that MDMA cut with them amphetamines? Hanging out with French and the Coke Boyz? Say it ain’t so, Wes!!! Is that where he gets all his scrap, grit and pluck? Probably so….All jokes aside, it’s probably best if he sits out four weeks to let the gray matter unscramble. Peyton Manning isn’t going anywhere anytime soon and those hits over the middle from mean safeties with an appetite for collisions will be there to light him up in Week 5.
- Kyle Orton found a way to turn retirement into a come up. He was recently riding the pine for the perennially mediocre Dallas Cowboys, making roughly 3 something million simoleons…but wanted no part of that nonsense. So he tells Dallas he’s going to hang up his cleats and does so for about two months….The Buffalo Bills call up with a 2 yr deal worth 11 mil and Kyle’s on the 1st thing smoking to Orchard Park. I know Dallas is stuck in a loop like a skipping CD but Buffalo’s definitely no better a destination if winning is the final goal. If getting paid’s the main goal, then by all means, Kyle, get your bread. But please understand, wins will be low like the Family Matters…
- Alex Smith just signed an extension with the Kansas City Chiefs..4 years, 68 million with 45 million guaranteed to be paid out in the first two years. THIRTY MIL now, FIFTEEN MIL, next season. Yet Jamaal Charles gets 8.3 guaranteed on an extension? I’m not understanding these financial terms, man…not at all. I’m all for anyone getting paid in the NFL considering no contract is guaranteed and the owners are swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck but fairness is key. Sometimes I think these position players just don’t get the benefits for what effort they put forth on the field. Ask Jimmy Graham ALL about that…
- J.J. Watt got a 6 year, 100 million dollar extension the other day and I still feel he’s underpaid. He was a 1st round draft pick out of Wisconsin but if you saw 3 years of dominance out of him when he first got drafted, I need the numbers for Powerball tomorrow STAT. He’s a beast on the defensive line, hilarious in commercials and is one of the 10 best players in the league @ any position…and that’s why he got paid.
- Michael Sam was released by the St. Louis Rams and is currently looking for work anywhere in the NFL, turning down an open opportunity to get on the field in the CFL. I think there are going to be a lot of conversations in team offices across the country about Mike and I wonder who’s going to take a shot on adding him to their practice squad. (A trip to anyone’s 53 man roster is a major stretch right now..). He proved he can play in this league as a sub package rusher throughout the preseason but lacks special teams versatility, which would help him immensely. Rumors have it that the Cowboys are in need of some defensive end help but will the stupid need to report on Sam’s every move hinder his chances at getting employed? We shall see….Times like these are why I wish he hadn’t made his sexual preference public until after he was on a team’s roster but hey, it was his plan.
- Josh Gordon’s been suspended for the 2014 season, with a shot @ getting reinstated by training camp of next year. But there’s talk Josh wants to sue the NFL, get the suspension lifted while his case is being deliberated and play for Cleveland for the time being.
As much as I am on Josh’s side about the rules being too strict, a lawsuit is not in his best interest right now. If Josh has kept his nose clean (and his lungs) from day one and this was his first offense, I could see a lawsuit as an option. But he came into the league via the supplemental draft under sketchy circumstances, got suspended last season for 2 games over some “lean” and now another positive test got him the book tossed @ his upper torso and neck region. Fall back, get your act intact, stay to the shadows and just stay in relative shape for next season. The talent is there, teams still want him and the chance to turn it all around is still there. Getting stats and footage on tape for 2014 should be the last thing he should be worried about.
But as a source close to the Commish said “He shouldn’t waste his money on a lawsuit…he should save his money for that girl he’s been seeing. “
- Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount were pulled over by police on August 20th and Bell got arrested whilst riding around with 20 grams of Mary Jane in the car. What a way to make an impression with the new team, LeGarrette! Lighting up your last name and getting the starting RB in trouble in the process? SMH. One can be assured that while any punishment from the league or the law hasn’t come down yet, Mike Tomlin will have his own way of making these guys suffer. Extra playing time in a preseason game was just the beginning. I’m expecting LOTS of extra time spent in practice running and doing plenty of cardio work…Mike will definitely help them with their lung capacity…
That’s all the commentary for the week. No Kate Upton .gif to finish things off this week out of respect for her leaked nudes with Justin Verlander….Tip out some brew from your 40s or bottled water as tribute…
*cues up Jerry Seinfeld voice*
What is it with these athletes and four wheeled transportation these days?
You’ve got Jacoby Jones getting bonked over the head with a bottle of Ace of Spades on a party bus by a stripper named Sweet Pea,
Nate Burleson broke his arm in 2 places after being distracted by 2 pizza boxes sliding off of his passenger seat while driving home from watching Monday Night Football.
And the capper…Aldon Smith…Whew. What a day for this guy.
Crashed his truck into a tree last Friday around 7AM, about a half hour away from the Niners complex, with his B.A.C. twice the legal limit, with the engine still racing, seemlingly asleep @ the wheel. Plus there was hashish in the car. SMH.
Him playing on Sunday without suspension and then heading off to rehab without a suspension or fine is a debate for another day…
Let’s get down to bidness and worry about this BREAKDOWN!!!
We had a weird week with the scoring where only a couple of teams really kept up the trend of piling up points whereas the rest of the league reverted back to the old ways, barely clearing 130. And in some cases, barely clearing 100!
We might as well start off our breakdowns with a healthy wholesome breakfast. The most important meal of the day, am i right? That’s what our parental units kept drilling into our heads from a young age so…who am I to deviate from their script?
LXG apparently wanted seconds so he’s been bestowed with TWO Continental Breakfasts this week!
Hakeem Nicks is responsible for the first one, getting neutralized by that vaunted Carolina secondary….SMH….and the second one was definitely manager error. Not checking up on Vernon Davis’s gimpy hamstring prior to gametime cost him production.
The rest of his team provided solid production but they didn’t all score up to projections this week and that was costly.
The Other Guys didn’t exactly blow LXG out of the water. Aaron Rodgers had a subpar performance versus a tough Cincy D and underperformed in a lot of slots. But his team’s special team unit performed admirably and Antonio Brown provided most of the margin of victory this week, racking up a 40 spot in the Sunday night matchup versus the Bears.
That makes it 3 in a row for him and he’s looking sharp going forward….
Continuing with the unbeaten them, G.O.M.A.B. scratched and clawed his way to a win versus a Mash Out Posse squad who had more singles in his lineup than a rapper at a strip club.
G.O.M.A.B. got a 1 from Andre Roberts, single digits from some marquee names (Andre Johnson, Tony Gonzalez and Mike Wallace) and had a 20 from the QB spot, which isn’t enough in this league on most weeks to get a W.
But Mash Out had a lot of suspect performances this week. Eddie Royal came crashing back down to earth, Beast Mode didn’t have to do too much verus the Jags, Victor Cruz also got shut down by the vaunted Panther secondary, and Knowshon apparently didn’t know he was playing the bum Raiders But his biggest concern so far has to be his starting QB, Colin Kaepernick. Back to back 3’s (pause no Steph Curry)
is not indicative of Colin’s talent as a QB but those numbers can not instill too much confidence going forward….
Switching gears for a minute..
Let’s give props to Man With The Moat for getting off the schneid vs On 3 Ready Break. She got off to a good start on Thursday with a 30 from Jamaal Charles Superstar and thanks to a midweek trade, finished up strong with Wes Welkah putting up numbahs versus the Raidahs…
Now her team has cornered the market on gritty, gutty, scrappy receivers and that may be a problem for the rest of the league going forward….All that scrap, that grit….
On 3 did what could be done with his roster but had a few under-projection performances from key members of the team. That 1 from Dwayne Bowe last Thursday was a bad first step and you never really recovered after that. Switching to a 4WR/2TE scheme didn’t give you the results you were looking for. Those RB injuries could hamper for the short term…
Let’s move onto the 2 blowouts of the week.
Van Damage’s team was drinking sake on a Suzuki in Osaka Bay this week because they were Down and Out
…..Killa got back on his grizzle, slicing and dicing that subpar NYG defense, Julio Jones got a 20 burger…and then it was off the rails from that point forward…no amount of bench production could’ve saved him on this one..
18-1’s Peyton Manning and Demaryius Thomas combo pack is wreaking havoc this year and it’s not looking like a fair fight for the rest of the league…Peyton is out here making it thunderstorm like he’s personally trying to recreate the former glory of the 2007 Patriots all by himself…SMH…Also adding to the 72 point beatdown was the resurrection of Demarco Murray (although he has a history of running past the Rams) and Josh Gordon acting like the Kool Aid Man
Brian Hoyer looked like early Jake Delhomme out there, making all the throws all over those bum ass Vikings.
(What’s the point of having big corners if all you’re going to have them do is bite on every route, Leslie Frazier???)
and lastly but not least.
My absolute Demolition this week…no Mr. Fuji
I had all the names in there. Felt like I made all the right calls this week. Joique Bell barreled his way to a 22. Jordy Nelson got busy versus the Bengals, looking like the newest version of Cris Carter (yeah, I said it!), Dez pushed his way to 13 points and Larry Fitz got me double digits…After that? A Laydown
Ike Turner got a hold of me and gave me the business
then got the People’s Elbow
Long story short (since I don’t want to fill your reading experience with GIFs)
I caught that L.
Drew Brees and Jimmy Graham had their way with me, early and often. Consent was unnecessary. They were taking whatever they wanted…the damn savages!
Drew decided to become Archie Manning for a week with a RUSHING TD and some sort of run game….WTF. And those Arizona LBs were out there twiddling their thumbs while Jimmy pranced his way to 134 yards…
EIGHTY-THREE POINTS BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM. EIGHTY THREE!
Then we toss in the other light-skinned demon, Jordan Cameron…who dropped a fresh 30 burger on my neck…what chance did I really have?
Those 3 players alone beat my whole team!
There are way to get your first win but man…this was an epic beatdown. scoring almost 200 should definitely provide you with that momentum going forward….Glad to be the springboard/stepping stone!
Definitely dropping bombs on this league similar to a certain Dungeon Family duo…
And with that ends another week of fantasy football.
A quick look @ Week 4’s matchups:
This should definitely be a good week of matchups
LXG and On 3 battle it out for by Manhattan Beach bragging rights .
18-1 and The Other Guys in the battle for Queens bragging rights.
Give Me Some Room takes on Mash Out Posse for ownership of Brooklyn.
Van Damage versus Absolute Chaos for the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway
and Man with the Moat vs G.O.M.A.B. pits godmother versus biological in the A$AP Ferg battle….
The undefeated look to stay that way.
the 1-2’s look to climb back up to .500
the 2-1’s look to keep it going and avoid .500
AND WE’RE STARTING BYE WEEK SEASON!!!
And with that, we reach the end of another blog post, full of wit, mirth and humorous tidbits. Let’s keep the competition fierce, the waiver wire pickups plentiful and the trade offers fair and equal, unless someone out there offers you a beaut that you just can’t pass up!
Until next week, folks!