It’s been a while since I put one of these together. Excuse me if there are some typos, miscues and malfeasances…I may be rusty!
Due to some support within the BTFL and a complete disdain for everything Toyota/Automated Insights has done, I had to get back to what I enjoy doing, which is analyzing and commenting on the rosters of those in the BTFL using pop culture references. I see Yahoo tried to add some cute little bits of content but we all know Yahoo’s rankings were handled by Bernie Madoff…so we can’t put too much stock in that!
Heard you was talkin sh&t…
My bad Bern…even though you look like Henry Winkler’s grand dad….chump!
So let’s break this down team by team and see whose roster I think is faking it like Rachel Dolezal or will be popping like Pierre-Paul.
I’ll go in order of the grade on the Automated Insights Report Card…
The Other Guys
A- from Yahoo w/a 4th place finish
QB – A-a-ron has to walk a fine line this season and Sammy the Bull’s got to tuck and roll or it’ll be Sanchize time.
RB – Forte, Miller, Hyde, Bell and Jennings are not sexy but there’s some produce in that fivesome. The Foster/Blue combo pack means you believe in the Hard Knocks come-up.
WR/TE – Only 3 WR’s on the roster at the moment and they’re boom or bust. Gronkowski’s a WR1 on his own and Fleener’s good for the bye week
VERDICT? DOLEZAL
Methinks finding the right balance will be tough sledding. I sense you’ll win some games but finish in the consolation round.
Corporal Punishment
A- from Yahoo w/a 1st place finish
QB – Top shelf name brands on deck but can PeyPey rediscover his touch (see what I did there?) and can Brees be the same without Jumbo Jimbo Graham?
RB – Ingram is fine but Alfred Morris doesn’t inspire much confidence without a running threat @ QB for the Washington Dumpster Fires. Only having two RB’s total is kinda dangerous, no?
WR/TE – Top flight at the top with Dez and Demaryius but the flex options will be hard to choose from later on during the season. Black Unicorn and old man Gates is a good combo
VERDICT: DOLEZAL
Methinks your roster skipped leg day and needs better balance for the stretch run. Consolation round
RIP Sean Price
B from Yahoo w/a 2nd place finish
QB – I’m hoping Philip Rivers has one more year in him. I hate Eli but here’s hoping he’s got some big games in that Dunkin Donut endorsed arm of his. Tyrod Taylor is a lottery pick I’m hoping pays off.
RB: Lev Bell and Todd Gurley on stash, Chris Ivory until his wheels come off and Shane Vereen as a decent bye week fill-in? I like it.
WR/TE: All SIX of my WRs have top tier talent and will definitely cause some headaches for my opponents. Tight end will be a revolving door all season but Buffalo didn’t pay Charles Clay to rub Rex’s belly on the sideline. He’s got to get some run early.
VERDICT: PIERRE PAUL
Methinks I’ll be in the playoff hunt again this season, health willing. The combo of youth, talent and ability is top tier.
The Saint Marxsmen
B from Yahoo w/a 6th place finish
QB: Andrew Luck is lord and host. Hosanna in the highest. Carson Palmer’s just got to stay alive for Luck’s bye week and all should be good.
RB – Lacy is a bulldozer. Stewart looked good last year but gets nicked up and McFadden might strain a muscle opening a packet of ketchup. Get him TFOH!
WR/TE: Tate is a beast. Edelman and Jeffrey will pile up targets. Fitzgerald and White are winding down. Quick and Floyd are talented but may be inconsistent. Jumbo Graham will eat the NFC West alive. Witten is H.O.F. but he’ll have you saying “F.O.H.!” when he plays.
VERDICT: PIERRE PAUL
Methinks your team has nicks and scrapes but no real major injuries to hold you back from the playoffs.
18-1
B from Yahoo w/a 3rd place finish
QB – Staffy has talent and weapons but is a rollercoaster ride. Will Ryan Tannehill be Vick or Manziel? Pressure in MIA will let us know.
RB: Lynch, Peterson AND Forsett? Jesus Christ. Spiller would be icing on the cake if his ankles weren’t made of packing peanuts
WR/TE: Every WR on the team is a target monster so their floors are all pretty high. Kelce is top 3 in scoring potential. Let’s hope Delanie can keep the production up from last year.
VERDICT: PIERRE PAUL
Methinks that roster is beastly and even if the QBs falter, you’ll replace them with solid production. Playoffs.
The Crownies
B- from Yahoo w/a 9th place finish
QB: Russell Wilson and Tom Brady. The Christian who saved Ciara and the God living amongst us? The odds will forever be in your favor.
RB: Charles and Murray make a solid 1-2. Freeman and Crowell could turn a profit down the line.
WR/TE: Maclin, Adams and A.J. Green will be good lead guys. Mike Wallace is a dice roll. Boldin will be solid yet I worry about Colston. The tight ends are old and creaky. Let’s see how long they last.
VERDICT: PIERRE PAUL
Methinks Brady + Wilson = trouble..and any weakness in the TE group can be salvaged by waivers. Playoff team.
Absolute Chaos
B- from Yahoo w/a 5th place finish
QB – Roethlisberger had numbers last year but most of it happened in short bursts. Newton’s got tough sledding but could help out.
RB – Not a fan of Ellington. Jonas Gray? CUT. Yeldon is interesting. And we all knew Woodhead would end up on your squad.
WR/TE: Antonio Brown is a BEAST. Marshall and Allen should rebound. John Brown should impress. Funchess and Green-Beckham are wild cards. Olsen will eat but should see more coverage. Eifert has some upside but has to fight off the ND TE curse..
VERDICT: DOLEZAL (by the slimmest of margins)
Methinks your team has just enough ups and downs to keep you out of that 4th spot. Yahoo might be right here IMO.
LXG
C from Yahoo w/a 7th place finish
QB: Matt Ryan was good last year but was he sponge-worthy? Not sure Elaine Benes thinks so. Derek Carr? Give me Derek Luke.
RB: McCoy and Murray should do well. Randle will be guilty of stealing your hope from you. Tevin Coleman? Give me Tevin Campbell.
WR/TE: Try not to trade Odell this season pls. Madden Curse back in effect? Hilton and DeSean are always underrated but are boom/bust. Williams is for bye weeks and Baldwin is like Dolph Lundgren – expendable. Allen and Rudolph may cancel each other out. (Martavis shoulda been mine….SMH!)
VERDICT: DOLEZAL
Methinks the talent I see on this team is a mirage not an oasis. Not sure I see the consistency with this team.
Back To The Future
C from Yahoo w/a 8th place finish
QB: Kaepernick and Mariota ensure that you’ll be relying on rushing yards this season. There’s talent there but there will be dark days.
RB: Frank Gore should be good early. Melvin Gordon has to run harder. Doug Martin is a wild card. Denard Robinson? NEXT!!!
WR/TE – Megatron and Cobb is a good 1-2 punch. Watkins and Andre Johnson are intriguing. Cruz and Harvin are dice rolls. Dorsett is a shot in the dark. Jordan Cameron’s got talent but can he last in the hard-hitting AFC East?
VERDICT: TWO DOLEZALS
Methinks the QB position might be your downfall and the RB slot needs some more juice #OrenthalJames
12.5PSI + Pool Cover
D from Yahoo w/a 10th place finish and ZERO wins!
QB – Antonio Ramiro Romo and Theodore Edmond Bridgewater should be a good 1-2 punch.
RB – Jeremy Hill & CJ Anderson will be a handful. Abdullah’s got moves but will he get the touches? Bishop Sankey? He’s more of a deacon.
WR/TE: Evans and Charles Johnson are a good uno-dos package @ WR but everyone else? I’ve got reservations and I don’t mean at Dorsia for 830. Rob Housler has talent but the CLE passing game is about as appealing as Rocky Mountain oysters.
VERDICT: ALL THE DOLEZALS
Methinks you won’t go winless but me alsothinks the firepower might be lacking on most weeks. Bye week season might be brutal for you.
And with that I’m done with my evaluations. By no means are they law, but they might be interesting to refer back to later on down the line.
The games start for real in 5 days time with the Golden Boy trying to recreate 2007 all over again, starting with the terrycloth secondary of the Fighting Mike Tomlins.
This league is full of ups, downs, twists, turns, and loop de loops.
I’m trying to see how many times teams break 200pts this season
Who can ride the wave that is the season and make it to the final four after week 14.?
We shall see starting September 10th.
Play hard, put your best team in every Thursday/Sunday/Monday and hope for the best.
And with that, I’m gone
the Commish
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